This is what I feel like working with lenders on loan mods and short sales

Little Johnny Digs A Hole

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate."Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked."My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied."That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor."That's because he's inside your cat!"

Little Johnny's History Lesson

Little JohnnyThe teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!

Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Little Johnny. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Little Johnny knows more about history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians.""Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right!!! Now who said that!?"Again, Little Johnny said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now with blood in his eyes someone said, "You little twit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008"

A Guide To Food Spoilage For Men

Eggs: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Meat: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a 3 block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

Flour: If it wiggles...it's spoiled.

Lettuce: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

Raisins: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

Potatoes: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches or dense, leafy undergrowth.

Chip dip: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

Unmarked item: You know its well beyond its prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

Frozen food: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked, anyway) by the time you pry them out with a hammer and knife

Funny Little Johnny Joke

Little Johnny Meets Obama

Little Johnny is at it again... President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'?

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered:

'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?' 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

Funny Friday.... 43 Ways To Annoy People Over The Weekend

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

3. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

4. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

5. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

6. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

7. Name your dog "Dog."

8. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

9. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

10. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

11. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

12. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

13. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy.”

14. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

15. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

16. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

17. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

18. Drum on every available surface.

19. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

20. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.

21. Honk and wave to strangers.

22. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

23. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

24. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

25. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

26. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

27. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

28. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

29. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

30. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

31. Ask people what gender they are.

32. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

33. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

34. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. Like a parakeet.

35. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

36. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

37. Sing along at the opera.

38. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

39. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

40. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

41. Never make eye contact.

42. Never break eye contact.

43. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Relax, smile and enjoy the weekend!

Why I Didn't Make the Olympics

For all of us who weren't quite big enough, fast enough, or looked good enough in a beach volleyball outfit. There are many of us who will never know the thrill of that kind of victory. Fortunately though, we have also avoided the following agony of defeat.

Ole Evil Eye

Have you ever felt like everyone's looking at you like this?

Have a Great Day Anyway!